The American soccer-boys managed a 1-1 tie last night against the heavily-favored italians! It’s almost as impressive as the 1980 Lake Placid victory against the Russian hockey team. And, like that victory against the Russians, the hunt for the gold isn’t over. Back then, we still had to beat Czech for the gold. Now, we just have to beat Ghana, Ecuador, and about 30 other Banana Republics.
It was an impressive show, all in all. And big props go out to Brian “Bleeder” McBride, who took an elbow to the face at the 30 minute mark. There was blood everywhere, and maybe even a couple of stitches. But big Bri marched off the field under his own power, let the medic take care of him, and was playing in the “Match of Shame“, as the Times called it (dicks), in less than 2 minutes.
Now, for those of you who’ve never watched World Cup Soccer, it’s kind of like basketball. Played by a high school Drama Club. The absolute lack of honor in the game is astounding. Apparently, one of the rules is that if somebody so much as breathes on you, you flign yourself to the ground, grab your ankle, and scream like a girl. Then, the referee feels bad for you, blows the whistle, and gives you an Icee. I saw people trying to draw fouls last night that should be ashamed of themselves. The Italian captain, for instance, threw himself to the ground once in the second half, although nobody was anywhere near him. There was no foul. He held onto his leg like he’d been shot, screaming and rolling around on the ground. He actually carried on like this until they came out with a stretcher and hauled him to the sidelines. Where, of course, he stood up, stretched a bit, and was back on the field at the next whistle.
This is because soccer is the only sport I can think of, besides basketball, that doesn’t have a built-in justice system. In ice hockey, if you stop play by faking an injury just to draw a penalty, your ass better stay down, because the next time you touch the puck you’re going to find yourself sailing over the boards with a skate up your behind. In baseball, if you’re showboating like the Italian last night who did a pantomime violin performance in the corner after scoring, you’re going to get a Dickie Thon fastball* to the face next time you’re up. In soccer there isn’t even a delay of game foul for faking an injury.
These pussies will literally lay on the ground, howling, stop the game, let themselves be carried off the field on a stretcher, when the replay shows clearly they never got touched. Then, they come right back into the game like nothing happened. I broke my hip playing ice hockey in college once, and still skated off the ice under my own power. Then went to a social at my girlfriend’s sorority. In a tux! The problem is, doing this crap in soccer brings you an advantage because the refs reward it. If the other team’s doing it, you’ve got to do it, too.
The Americans, thank goodness, don’t really play that game. In North America, you’d get booed off the field, no matter what sport you’re playing.
You can read more on the pussiness of soccer here.
Cross-posted at Youb Itch.
* - Mike Torrez, 1984. Man, was that really 22 years ago?!
